Process Relinquish

Relinquish 1

tonight, as cool air flows through your window, paving its way across your eye lids and making a path through your curls
as you sleep next to your lover
your dreams will lead you
through corridors I have made which tunnel within the strands of the dying genetic material of each wisp wound close to your head
you will see me through those gateways
you will come to me through the pathways of dreams which are bound to your tresses
I am still knotted up and bound to your crimson sun-kissed locks
fitted to your scent
laced to your words and deeds and experiences
it is of no matter what you desire, you cannot brush me out

Relinquish 2

The expression better to have loved and lost does not suffice
It is in the lost where it resides
The moment when you know that you cannot be there
You cannot have that
You cannot be THE one
But the appreciation of the lost
When you know
What was the better fit
The better glove
The better love
It is ok

It hurts

Burns

Tears

Beats

Until the drum

The rhythm

The significance of that other person in their life

Til you realize

It was HER that made him

Happier

Content

Blessed

(Dare I say) completed

That is it

When you say

That drum
Beat to the right rhythm

And the drummers

The lovers

Are in line

And lost

But not gone

But creating a small rhythm

In your heart that you can dance to

Kristmas and Knew Year in Kabul

I have not been in much of a writing mood these days. So, for my holiday greeting from Kabul, I present to you…

Things I’m Thankful for from 2011 (drum roll please)

I am Thankful for…

my niece and nephew (even though now talking to me on skype is boooorrrring)
family, always and forever, no matter how weird they can be
skiing, climbing and hiking in Montana (still the place of my dreams)
tough lessons learned
feeling a spectrum of emotions
the Arab spring, and the knowledge that people can fight for what they believe in
people who believe in me and not believing in the people who don’t
breaking rules that are meant to be broken
spur of the moment trips
friends who love me, and take me in with open arms
laughing my ass off with new friends in kabul
not taking things too seriously
contentment
lovely moments alone
creative expression
museums
cold to the bone weather
my colleagues
the comforts of my home and learning to appreciate them
experiencing a new culture
exercise (even on a treadmill in a dungeon!)
being taken in by strangers and connecting instantly
no expectations
my mom still doing my banking after all these years
my dad still telling me to exercise when my heart hurts or I am too stressed
a summer in Montana with amazing women (more in 2012?)
learning something new nearly every day
the warm sun in Kabul no matter the season
mountains, oh the mountains!
dancing until I no longer feel anything but the groove
music and a concert here and there
experiencing a former home once again
Skype and keeping in touch long distance
good food and experiencing new cuisine
health and still kicking it at this ripe old age 
love, whether I have it or not
old friends who never get old to me
making amends and finding friendship under the layers of past
road trips
hot springs and soaking in the buff
wine(or whiskey) and conversation


I might have to add more to this list as I read it again, but it is time to start dreaming of what might be ahead for this year. Happy New Year everyone, may all your coming adventures be momentous . Much love!

from Alan Watts

reminders to me:

--“Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.”

--“If you cannot trust yourself, you cannot even trust your mistrust of yourself - so that without this underlying trust in the whole system of nature you are simply paralyzed”

--“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

--“There is nothing at all that can be talked about adequately, and the whole art of poetry is to say what can't be said.”

--“We do not 'come into' this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree. As the ocean 'waves,' the universe 'peoples.' Every individual is an expression of the whole realm of nature, a unique action of the total universe.”

Strangers in the Night

The other night I dreamt of scorpions, two to be exact, grey ones. One stung me on the back when I sat down next to it on a stone. I was in the desert alone and watching/avoiding them. At a friend's suggestion I looked up these symbols in her dream dictionary--not such a kind or reassuring dream reading I am afraid.

Scorpions—To see a scorpion in your dream represents a situation in your waking life which may be painful or hurtful. It is also indicative of destructive feelings, "stinging" remarks, bitter words and/or negative thoughts being expressed by or aimed against you. You may be on a self-destructive and self-defeating path. The scorpion is also a symbol of death and rebirth. You need to get rid of the old and make room for something new.
Sting—To feel that any insect stings you in a dream, is a foreboding of evil and unhappiness. For a young woman to dream that she is stung, is ominous of sorrow and remorse from over-confidence in men.
Desert—Dreams of deserts can be a straightforward indication of emptiness, poverty, loneliness, exhaustion, loss, or even death. However, deserts often have a different representation for those dwelling in different locales. The translation of this dream symbol relies heavily on your associations with it and the tone and setting of your dream.

Now, I am not sure that I am a ‘young’ woman nor that I am feeling the loneliness associated with the desert. But the stinging words may hold some truth. Aside from the microcosm of my little English office (where we are able to laugh ….), the office and house seem to have become a places of flying words and feelings and, as of late, I feel that I am ducking and covering to avoid the punishment. It would be silly to think that this is directed at me, and, as the meandering scorpions in my dreams told me, it is only if I sit down and try to rest with these scorpions will I indeed be stung. Yes, I am choosing to ignore, to avoid, and to rise above the overwhelming milieu. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kabul, I really like people I work with, I enjoy my job and I am, for the most part, very happy. But one cannot underestimate the stress involved in working and living with the same group of people, not to mention the lack of freedom and control that one has over certain elements of life. It is getting to me. My bones are beginning to rattle as the scorpions zero in. So, I am thankful that I am jumping ship out of the desert to a wet Europe where warm hugs from old friends and new adventures await me. Two weeks respite and recovery where I am sure I will only be dreaming of rainbows, waterfalls, mountains and unicorns.



photo1: little boy in blue velvet
photo 2: recent protests by students who were frustrated with losing months of school while a political gathering takes place at the universities and dorms
photo 3: man at the market with a rice dish in his hotpot tied to his bike
photo 4: my gents washing grapes on the road from istalif
photo 5: boys with flower

eid holidays (august/september)

Last week I sat through an unnecessarily long meeting which started with a very well-meaning kiwi citing to a large group of afghans the myriad of ways that they could be blown-up, shot at, or harmed by ‘the enemy.’ When one of my afghan colleagues commented that he would choose jumping from our roof to the neighbors and running away from the scene this was met with giggles. These were quickly and staunchly quelled by my former ‘corporal in the Ukrainian army’ superior who noted that this was a ‘serious meeting’ and we should all learn something. Later, my Afghan office mate commented to me…’that was no joke Mindy, that is exactly what an Afghan would do.’
Running through my mind in this meeting:
1. Why in the HELL is this man telling AFGHAN people about the many ways that they can be attacked and killed?
2. How did a security meeting turn into the likes of a U.S. news channel in which at least 3/4ths of the content is fear-based stories peppered with words like ‘terror’ and ‘enemy’ rather than WHAT TO DO if our compound was actually targeted?
3. How do I get these two guys some training in running a *%&#ing meeting?
It is possible that I should not be writing a letter after being on lock down for nearly the past four weekends in a row, because, yes, I am feeling a little unwell at this point. These lockdown coupled with the fact that other organizations are allowing their staff to move freely does not make me feel better or more protected (rather, more like a very old teenager who never learned how to rebel effectively in the first place). More investigation into this phenomena has opened my eyes to the reality that the people who tend to be the most frightened here in Afghanistan, and I believe almost anywhere, are those who feel like they are the most protected. As in, the more we are cut off from the outside world, the more fear we have of that world. I imagine that, in large part, this is because they do not even know WHAT they are actually frightened of.
How many famous quotes can you think of about fear?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—Franklin D Roosevelt
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do—Eleanor Roosevelt
(wow, the Roosevelts’ sure liked to talk about fear)
But I like this one:
Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Honestly, when I look at all the incidents that have happened over the last number of weeks here, I see that some people are allowing fear to dig away at them, take bites out of them. They are making choices based on fear, some real (yes, we could get hurt if we are in the wrong place at the wrong time), and some invented (like who might sue the other if someone gets hurt (yes, I get that this a reality but it is such a pathetically human-invented reality that just makes me nauseous)).
In the meeting earlier this week my Ukrainian boss asked…’What is more important than your life? The most important thing is your life!’ I looked around the room and wondered if most of my Afghan colleagues were thinking ‘Allah’…meanwhile in my mind I thought…’A life well lived even if cut short.’

the rapture (august 2011)

I am not sure what all of you think about this rapture business and the predictions for 2012. Some may find it pure conspiracy, some may feel that the end is coming, others may be somewhere in between. I don’t have anything firm to say on the issue…all I really have is a sensation, and a deep emotional reaction to what is going on in the world as of late. Although I do not think the world will end today at 6pm Eastern Standard time (indeed, my training colleagues told me that is DEFINITELY WRONG as it will be on a FRIDAY after the a 40 year presence of a new Muslim prophet), it seems that the world is changing rapidly. My intuition tells me that all of us need to be prepared and at our best for the years to come, because it is going to be a tough and beautiful transition.

For me, being at my best and most prepared means to be utilizing my strengths as well as I can, and, to be working on myself and my own path. With that in mind, I have been doing some reflection about what my strengths and hopes are and also thinking about how to concentrate on making me a better person rather than on changing the world and others around me. Honestly, this is not really that easy for me…it is far more simple to ignore the transformation I can make within myself and instead distract myself and let the negative voices in my head win out. It is just so much easier to complain, blame and worry about others rather than concentrating on (my or) one’s own reactions. Sometimes being human can be a humiliating and tiring process, can’t it?

My head, as of late, seems to be a reflection of one aspect of Afghan culture. In Afghanistan one notes rather quickly a tone which seems to permeate society—a tone of pessimism. One of my colleagues, who is Afghan but has lived for many years in the states, is the perfect example. Every day as we ride to work he begins in on a diatribe of the many negative aspects of his home country. You might say…well, he has a lot to be negative about, Afghanistan is rough! Believe me, I do not deny that life is tough here, but one can also point out wonderful beauty and strengths in this culture. When a friend asked asked this same Afghan colleague ‘can you think of anything POSITIVE about Afghan culture?’ Our colleague took a long pause, thought, and began to respond, to our amusement, with a mouth-load of ‘but’ statement--as in…’there is beautiful nature here, BUT…everyone is ruining it, we are not utilizing it and in the city you cannot experience it’ or, ‘we finally have more electricity, BUT…it never works.’

I have been told by my Afghan friends that negativity is a common way for people to talk… which leads me to wonder why I still see so much hope bubbling over within people despite the pessimistic talk. I have heard some Afghans say that this attitude is cultural while others say it is situational, I cannot be sure as I have been here for so little time and have no idea how people felt or spoke before the conflict and before all this recent chaos entered into their lives. What I do see, is a great desire to overcome problems despite the frustrations. One colleague said to me…’it is all about us and how we face our situation, the only thing we can do is change ourselves, it is the only way to change society.’ I suppose this is true for everyone, and indeed I have related this to my own situation as well…I have to stop listening to the negative voices (most of them in my head!) and transform myself in order to be prepared for whatever ‘rapture’ may be coming.

arrival (backdated may)

I love Afghanistan. It's beautiful here. As I flew in a couple of days ago, I was able to grab a window seat and look out over the mountains. Oh my...to all those who love the outdoors and skiing or boarding, this is truly a paradise. Between Pakistan and Afghanistan…all I can say is the mountains are made to rival! Kabul itself is surrounded by mountains and although the country is quite dry and desert-like, one can be refreshed by seeking out the bits of snow that still remain on the peaks. I am afforded much more freedom in Kabul than in Iraq. I need to wear a head scarf everyday to work and when going around the city, but that is of little concern to me when I can actually experience life here! The city is full of hustle and bustle and I am again reminded of who will be the survivors as life gets more difficult around the world. I don’t know many people in the USA who are able to ride a bike, weaving through chaotic traffic, with FOUR 20 ft long, 6 inch diameter logs strapped to the bike! I thought I was good when I could drive a scooter while holding an umbrella over my head while living in Thailand.