Process Relinquish

Relinquish 1

tonight, as cool air flows through your window, paving its way across your eye lids and making a path through your curls
as you sleep next to your lover
your dreams will lead you
through corridors I have made which tunnel within the strands of the dying genetic material of each wisp wound close to your head
you will see me through those gateways
you will come to me through the pathways of dreams which are bound to your tresses
I am still knotted up and bound to your crimson sun-kissed locks
fitted to your scent
laced to your words and deeds and experiences
it is of no matter what you desire, you cannot brush me out

Relinquish 2

The expression better to have loved and lost does not suffice
It is in the lost where it resides
The moment when you know that you cannot be there
You cannot have that
You cannot be THE one
But the appreciation of the lost
When you know
What was the better fit
The better glove
The better love
It is ok

It hurts

Burns

Tears

Beats

Until the drum

The rhythm

The significance of that other person in their life

Til you realize

It was HER that made him

Happier

Content

Blessed

(Dare I say) completed

That is it

When you say

That drum
Beat to the right rhythm

And the drummers

The lovers

Are in line

And lost

But not gone

But creating a small rhythm

In your heart that you can dance to

ag fair

dedicated to jim veltkamp. love you. miss you.

kabul, a city at work

a better way to know afghanistan...through its people...read and explore this site

http://www.kabulatwork.tv/

images

callatelaboca--a series

afghanistan recent shots

back in the west

one of my favorite places to be--i miss you my muse, montana

beautiful film featuring afghanistan

I encourage you to watch this gorgeous video...now I really want a Cannon 5D!

http://vimeo.com/31426899

This is the Afghanistan I am lucky enough to see everyday

Strangers in the Night

The other night I dreamt of scorpions, two to be exact, grey ones. One stung me on the back when I sat down next to it on a stone. I was in the desert alone and watching/avoiding them. At a friend's suggestion I looked up these symbols in her dream dictionary--not such a kind or reassuring dream reading I am afraid.

Scorpions—To see a scorpion in your dream represents a situation in your waking life which may be painful or hurtful. It is also indicative of destructive feelings, "stinging" remarks, bitter words and/or negative thoughts being expressed by or aimed against you. You may be on a self-destructive and self-defeating path. The scorpion is also a symbol of death and rebirth. You need to get rid of the old and make room for something new.
Sting—To feel that any insect stings you in a dream, is a foreboding of evil and unhappiness. For a young woman to dream that she is stung, is ominous of sorrow and remorse from over-confidence in men.
Desert—Dreams of deserts can be a straightforward indication of emptiness, poverty, loneliness, exhaustion, loss, or even death. However, deserts often have a different representation for those dwelling in different locales. The translation of this dream symbol relies heavily on your associations with it and the tone and setting of your dream.

Now, I am not sure that I am a ‘young’ woman nor that I am feeling the loneliness associated with the desert. But the stinging words may hold some truth. Aside from the microcosm of my little English office (where we are able to laugh ….), the office and house seem to have become a places of flying words and feelings and, as of late, I feel that I am ducking and covering to avoid the punishment. It would be silly to think that this is directed at me, and, as the meandering scorpions in my dreams told me, it is only if I sit down and try to rest with these scorpions will I indeed be stung. Yes, I am choosing to ignore, to avoid, and to rise above the overwhelming milieu. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kabul, I really like people I work with, I enjoy my job and I am, for the most part, very happy. But one cannot underestimate the stress involved in working and living with the same group of people, not to mention the lack of freedom and control that one has over certain elements of life. It is getting to me. My bones are beginning to rattle as the scorpions zero in. So, I am thankful that I am jumping ship out of the desert to a wet Europe where warm hugs from old friends and new adventures await me. Two weeks respite and recovery where I am sure I will only be dreaming of rainbows, waterfalls, mountains and unicorns.



photo1: little boy in blue velvet
photo 2: recent protests by students who were frustrated with losing months of school while a political gathering takes place at the universities and dorms
photo 3: man at the market with a rice dish in his hotpot tied to his bike
photo 4: my gents washing grapes on the road from istalif
photo 5: boys with flower

eid holidays (august/september)

Last week I sat through an unnecessarily long meeting which started with a very well-meaning kiwi citing to a large group of afghans the myriad of ways that they could be blown-up, shot at, or harmed by ‘the enemy.’ When one of my afghan colleagues commented that he would choose jumping from our roof to the neighbors and running away from the scene this was met with giggles. These were quickly and staunchly quelled by my former ‘corporal in the Ukrainian army’ superior who noted that this was a ‘serious meeting’ and we should all learn something. Later, my Afghan office mate commented to me…’that was no joke Mindy, that is exactly what an Afghan would do.’
Running through my mind in this meeting:
1. Why in the HELL is this man telling AFGHAN people about the many ways that they can be attacked and killed?
2. How did a security meeting turn into the likes of a U.S. news channel in which at least 3/4ths of the content is fear-based stories peppered with words like ‘terror’ and ‘enemy’ rather than WHAT TO DO if our compound was actually targeted?
3. How do I get these two guys some training in running a *%&#ing meeting?
It is possible that I should not be writing a letter after being on lock down for nearly the past four weekends in a row, because, yes, I am feeling a little unwell at this point. These lockdown coupled with the fact that other organizations are allowing their staff to move freely does not make me feel better or more protected (rather, more like a very old teenager who never learned how to rebel effectively in the first place). More investigation into this phenomena has opened my eyes to the reality that the people who tend to be the most frightened here in Afghanistan, and I believe almost anywhere, are those who feel like they are the most protected. As in, the more we are cut off from the outside world, the more fear we have of that world. I imagine that, in large part, this is because they do not even know WHAT they are actually frightened of.
How many famous quotes can you think of about fear?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—Franklin D Roosevelt
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do—Eleanor Roosevelt
(wow, the Roosevelts’ sure liked to talk about fear)
But I like this one:
Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Honestly, when I look at all the incidents that have happened over the last number of weeks here, I see that some people are allowing fear to dig away at them, take bites out of them. They are making choices based on fear, some real (yes, we could get hurt if we are in the wrong place at the wrong time), and some invented (like who might sue the other if someone gets hurt (yes, I get that this a reality but it is such a pathetically human-invented reality that just makes me nauseous)).
In the meeting earlier this week my Ukrainian boss asked…’What is more important than your life? The most important thing is your life!’ I looked around the room and wondered if most of my Afghan colleagues were thinking ‘Allah’…meanwhile in my mind I thought…’A life well lived even if cut short.’